Where ever I lay my hat?

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It’s a big year chez nous, 2014.  It’s the year that husband turns 40, it’s the year that no. 1 son starts school, it’s the year that we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary and it is 10 years this year since I moved to this sometimes not-so holy Holy Land.  How did that happen?  Where did the time go and why after all this time have I still got one foot (and a half) pointing towards home?

Home, where is that?  After all I counted London as home but I lived there only 9 years. While we were travelling I called our tent ‘home’ and I was perfectly happy that we could pick that home up and take it where ever the whim took us.  If home is where the heart is, do I have 2 homes? And more importantly if you have 2 homes do you ever feel truly ‘at home’ in one of them.

This time last year I was 100% going home (to the UK that is).  I was tired of the difficulties of living in a different language, different culture, different religion  I was exhausted.  I was brow beaten and sick of being an outsider.  No longer at the top of my career but instead unable to find work that suited my skills, language or salary expectations.  Most of all I was tired of hearing people say, ‘make more of an effort to settle’, ‘maybe if your Hebrew was better, why don’t you speak it more’, sick of feeling like nothing I did was enough.  Was it all in my head?  Maybe, but I think that as an ex-pat, especially one who moves to a new language and a different culture you always ask yourself, ‘do I fit in?’ followed quickly in my case with ‘why should I have to?’.

So what now?  It’s 2014, a New Year.  Has anything changed?  Honestly I don’t know.  As in the previous 9 years I have good weeks and bad weeks, good days and bad days although the bad is less in occurrence and in intensity. I feel at home here although it is not, nor do I think it will ever be, ‘home’.  I hope to go back some day, whether it’s in 2014 or in a box in the hold of an aeroplane.  If someone would wave a magic wand or give me a winning lottery ticket to set us up in the UK for a couple of years to see how we would like it, I’d go in a shot.  But it’s not just about me.  It’s about my lovely husband who would go where ever I wished if it made me happy (even though he would not really want to go).  It’s about my children, my Israeli children who, like it or not only know this as home and speak to me and each other in a language that I often don’t understand.  As they get older the move gets more difficult, and the looming start of school underlines that fact.

Over on a blog I follow, Expatriate Life,  Judy has often talked about repatriation, about the challenges of repatriating after time away and I think it is this repatriation fear that stopped me from packing our bags and running this time last year.  Really, what do I know about the UK now.  Have I perhaps become too Israeli for England but too English for Israel?  Only time will tell as yet again we write our pros and cons list, we look for options were we to move back.  The key, I think, is no regrets, no looking back in anger, no what ifs or maybe.  When all is said and done as long as our family is together we are home.

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5 responses »

  1. Thanks for the shout out on my blog (even if I have fallen off the wagon lately). Yes, repatriation is hard, but as you so rightly point out, living as an expatriate is not always a barrel of laughs either. Have you thought about talking with an expat coach? I never did, because I didn’t know they even existed, but there are many good ones out there. They have all lived as expats themselves, many still are, so they ‘get’ the issues, particularly when it comes to women and careers. Feel free to email me if you want some names to check out.

  2. Wow. Well put. As you know, we visit Israel often and have considered it full time; at one point my 18 at-the-time step-granddaughter opined confidentially to her mother that I probably wouldn’t be happy in Israel full time. Why not? Because I’m “too nice.” That was a surprise, and I guess that means I’m not tough enough. When I’m there, the crazy traffic and daily challenges wear me down, and I leave after a month or so feeling that I’ve had enough. As soon as I get back “home,” I start planning the next trip to Israel, because I never get to see enough.

    • I sometimes wonder if I was too nice and now I am less ‘nice’. I used to get upset all the time but less so now and I wonder if that’s because I now give almost as good as I get!

  3. Sounds like such a tough decision for you. I would love the adventure of a move but don’t know if the reality would be just as fun?! I hope 2014 brings you more clarity x

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